My Perspective: I Gave Birth to a Bedazzled Unicorn

“Hi, can I take your order,” said our waitress.

 

“Hmm, what? I’m sorry?” I say sharply while wrangling my 2 year old and trying to pull the iPod out for the big boy.

 

“Your order?” she repeats.

 

Quickly I give her our order, but not quick enough. I saw the little elderly woman eyeballing us and then it happened right as I was about to say “funny face pancake” she abruptly interrupts me, walks over to my youngest, caresses his head {which totally ticked him off} and starts reminiscing about how she had a great, great, great grandfather with red hair. “And oh, I’m sure he got his red hair from his mama.”

 

I wanted to say, “get your hands off my child and leave us to our funny-face pancake, and by the way I dye my hair.” Instead I smiled, nodded politely and said thank you.

 

After I tweeted this little scenario, a fellow redhead replied “You’d think a redhead was a bedazzled unicorn or something, people act like they’ve never seen one before.”

 

Yep, that’s it! I gave birth to a bedazzled unicorn, and while it’s special and beautiful it can be annoying and a little creepy.

 

Target Popcorn

Especially when the lady at the playground tells you that “It’s great to see a redhead after what I read on the internet.”

 

What?

 

What’s the Internet saying now?

 

Well, supposedly by the year 2060 redheads will be extinct. Back in 2007, the Oxford Hair Foundation reported that red hair was going to be extinct in 100 years. This finding is a bit suspect, as the Oxford Hair Foundation is funded by Proctor and Gamble, makers of red hair dye. Ummm, yeah…I think my little unicorn and his offspring are safe.

 

Upon searching the interwebs I found other interesting redhead theories…

 

Supposedly my little redhead could be the star of his own Twilight saga, as ancient Greeks believed that gingers turned into vampires after death.

 

G is a spitter, which could be explained by the fact that in Corsica, it’s common to turn your head and spit when a redhead walks by. He’s obviously retaliating.

 

Break out the broomstick because G could also be a witch, according to those crazy Europeans.

 

Studies show that redheads have a higher pain threshold, and can tolerate spicier foods. G does love a good salsa.

 

“While the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads are derived from cats.”  – Mark Twain. This could explain the special connection between our cat and “little red”.

 

Not only could G be a vampire, a witch and a cat he could also be one of the descendants of Atlantis.

 

Lots of redheads ruled the world like Queen Elizabeth, Thomas Jefferson, Mark Twain and Galileo to name a few. Looks like my little G, might be a natural born leader.

 

Of course he could also be a descendant of a giant. Really?

 

Many people feared redheads probably because they were either giants, vampires, witches or cats. I fear G only when he wants Target popcorn and he wants it NOW.

 

Even the Neanderthals were bedazzled unicorns, but I bet people didn’t just walk up and start touching their heads.

 

And of course no crazy conspiracy would be complete without a mention of the illuminate who want to create a super race with my son’s genes. Well, he is super, but he’s ours.

 

Oh, Internet you are so full of theories, conspiracies and maybe a smidge of truth. However, no matter what you read or rumors you hear, G is just my “little redhead” so please don’t touch his hair, or tell me stories about your great, great, great grandfather’s red hair or interrupt our family time, because want to eat our funny-face pancakes in peace.

 

Pancake Face

 

A special thanks to Lyz Lenz whose fascination with the Illuminate and all things weird helped provide me with this plethora of ginger theories. Want to read more weirdness check her out over at Tru.TV and on her blog.

___

On an unrelated note I’m hosting a Minted giveaway for $75 credit toward announcements, invites, artwork, journals and more! CLICK HERE to enter and you could announce the birth of your little bedazzled unicorn in style.

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Comments

  1. Ok, this is just hilarious. I SO wish at least one of my kids had my red hair.
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