This is Menopause

Crinkle. Crinkle.

The white paper under my butt crunches as I try to get comfortable. My palms are sweaty, and the butterflies in my stomach are fluttering so fiercely they may lift me off this crinkly paper and fly me away. Today is the day. The day I get answers. The day all the pieces will finally come together … I hope.

It’s been four years. Four fucking long ass years to get to this point.

I remember the day of the shift. I was on a spin bike. Pedaling like my life depended on it. The music on my headphones so loud the bass beat was coming out of my nose. Nothing could drown out my aggravation, anger, hostility and overall discontentment. Those happy endorphins that had fueled me for years had run dry. They weren’t coming. Where the fuck were they. I pedaled harder still nothing. WTF!!

One text to mother and the answers were starting to become clear. “Oh, yes,” she said. “The anger, that’s how it started with me.”

The “it” to which she referred is … Menopause.

Ugh. Seriously, I’m too young for that. Well, genetics say maybe not. My mom went through it when she was younger, so … there is a chance I might too.

Time to call the doctor.

An appointment was made at the Menopause Clinic.

At this point, I was hopeful for answers and something to alleviate my moods swings. After speaking with a nurse practitioner {who was male} and then listening as he translated everything I said to the doctor. They determined my dramatic mood swings MUST be a bi-product of my mental health. It couldn’t possibly be menopause because I’m too young. I walked in hopeful and left completely and utterly defeated.

There was no hormone testing.

There was no physical exam.

There was no listening to the patient.

It was bullshit.

I had to wait a month for that fucking appointment. What I hoped would give me answers completely demoralized me.

Devastated and mentally losing it, I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would just take anti-depressants.

I’ll admit they helped the mood swings but did ABSOLUTELY nothing for my physical well-being. In fact, they made it worse.



My fatigue increased along with my apathy. I didn’t care about anything. Sure, I was perfectly agreeable and wasn’t so anxiety-ridden, but a bomb could have gone off next to me and I wouldn’t have cared. To top it off my fatigue was so bad I would fall asleep every time I sat down. Once I even caught myself snoring in the waiting room of the kid’s dentist.

I started researching everything about hormones.

Eventually, I was led down the path of Applied Kinesiology. Basically, it’s a way to test for sensitivities, hormone issues, and other health ailments. The practitioner has you lay down and raise your arm in the air. Then she put vials of various bacteria, foods, etc. near you and tests your arm strength. It’s interesting, and it proved what I thought was wrong. Hormones and food sensitivity. So, I cut certain foods from my diet. No gluten, no dairy, no nightshades, nothing fermented, and I took tons of supplements.

After a few months, I felt better, but… still, something wasn’t right.

Of course, during this time, from the moment on the spin bike until the moment I started taking supplements I had gained over 40 pounds. This is unusual for someone like me who has stayed at 135 for YEARS prior. Also, during that time I was cutting out foods, I was working out FIVE days a week. It was completely ridiculous.

So, more research.

That’s what led me here to this office, where the white paper was crinkling with every shift of my 170-pound body. It was Dr. Gray who took an aggressive approach. She tested ALL my hormones, my cortisol, my thyroid…not just the TSH, but the T3 and T4 too. Everything the University doctors refused to do, she did.

Now, I’m here to get my results.

After exchanging pleasantries, we get down to business. She goes through my results hormone by hormone, charting them on a bell curve. The result, a bunch of hormones that are in the toilet. My progesterone is at a .3, and the only reason it was that high was probably because of my IUD.


So, basically, it’s official. I’m in menopause.

45 years old and in menopause.

Now, what do we do about it?

I’m on a BHRT regime which consists of BioTe Hormone Pellets, and an oral Progesterone. Remember they may not work for everyone. But here’s my experience … so far.

The pellets, that are the size of a piece of rice {maybe even smaller} are inserted under the skin above the butt cheek near your hip. It’s a super tiny incision and can be done in the doctor’s office. After my first insertion, I felt FABULOUS! Literally, like the energizer bunny. I was so motived, I was excited to hit the gym again, I didn’t fall asleep every time I sat down. My mood swings subsided, and my sex drive was amazing.

When it came to my second insertion, things were quite different. My energy level didn’t increase or spike, my sex drive went back to what it was before the insertion, and I’ve been gaining weight. So, the jury is still out.

I do know I wasn’t taking DIM on a regular basis which could account for the weight gain. DIM is a supplement that can take the bad estrogen and turn it into good estrogen so to speak. Since I wasn’t taking it, the extra testosterone was converting into bad estrogen and possibly creating estrogen dominance. So, I’m taking that again on a regular basis, and we will see what happens.

Overall, I just need to wait and see. I’ll give it a year and go from there.

It took me four years to get here, and here’s what I learned.

1. Advocate for your health. If you feel “off” or “not yourself” find someone who believes you.

2. Never let a doctor talk you out of blood tests or other testing you feel you may need. It’s your body and you have a right to ask for treatments, referrals, and tests.

3. Speak up in the doctor’s office, and to your friends. Silence is isolating.

4. Vulnerability wins. The other day I posted a photo of me, at the gym in my new 170-pound body. I’ve been embarrassed talking about my experience, but 2018 is the year of Peace and I needed to make peace with my weight and this process. What I found was a community of women who, just like me, have been suffering in silence. Some citing horrible menopausal side effects like hair loss, insomnia, night sweats, mood swings, weight gain. I quickly realized I’m not alone. There are other women out there looking for someone to say “yes there is something wrong. You shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

5. Lastly, I’m NOT old. I get extremely angry at the medical community for ignoring these types of symptoms and just chalking it all up to old age. First, I’m not old and secondly even if I was I have the right to a decent quality of life.

So, do all of you.

If you have questions or just want to share your menopause experiences feel free to do so in the comments.

You are not alone.

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  1. I totally feel what you are saying. I’ve always had this annoyance with our health care is they don’t do enough tests to find out the root of the problem. It seems their priority is looking at the symptoms and not the cause. They also go by the book, like how things should be such as when they think you are too young to be in menopause. A lot of the time I avoid going to the doctors as I know they can’t diagnose me. And whenever there is a diagnosis, it’s actually me researching myself to prompt them to investigate if its the probable issue I researched on.
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  2. Wow. I think that’s a great post. I’m happy for you that you have some answers. I hate when doctors ignore us. In fact, I pay through the nose for a concierge doctor so that hopefully that doesn’t happen. I’m pretty healthy though and he pushed me off to a physicians assistant last year. She never believes me when I’m sick. So I didn’t send in my check. When they called to find out why I told them. So now I’m back to seeing him. Is it really so hard to listen when people say they don’t feel good?

    I really do hope you feel better. I’m very afraid of menopause. I think I’m probably in perimenopause. I’m 44. Sigh … there is no easy part of aging is there?

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