Escape from the Rabbit Hole: BPM

Today I was going to write a funny blog post about my silly life and the boys and chaos you know the usual, but then as I left work and shut my office door, life engulfed me and I felt overwhelmed.

I was falling down the rabbit hole.

This has happened before. Although not for a long time.

I drive to the grocery store in a daze, my mind is starting to shut down and I’m falling deeper and deeper. While at the store, I eye the wine section and ponder for only a moment. But turn away. I learned the hard way that drowning the pain isn’t the answer. I feel numb and empty like nothing will fill me up. No amount of joy or love.

Somehow I make it home. As I walk in the door the urge to run to my room, throw on PJs and jump in bed is overwhelming. However, that’s not an option.

Everyone is in my face “what’s for dinner”, “can I have a snack,” I can barely comprehend their words. The darkness is invading my brain and I’m free falling. Words come out of my mouth, but I don’t even what I’m saying.

Luckily, B2 takes the boys into the other room and I’m left in peace to make dinner and ruminate. I hate this feeling I want it to end. I’ve found ways to end it before, but there’s too much at stake now. So I just need to live with it. I make dinner. My hands work on their own buttering bread, stirring soup while my mind veers in the direction of darkness. The pressure in my chest feels suffocating, and the pain in my stomach eliminates my appetite.

Dinner is done and the gang returns to the room. Their presence overwhelms me and I just want to run.

I’m still free falling down the rabbit hole at warp speed and I’m trying to find my safety net, something anything that will lead me out of this dark hopeless place. The pit of depression is within sight.

And then I hear it “I love you mama.” and my parachute pops open and I float out of the darkness into the light.

8 thoughts on “Escape from the Rabbit Hole: BPM

  1. >From one who took a "mental health day" yesterday cause heading to the office was too much to contemplate…I will say thank God for the parachutes….goodness knows my kids have lifted me up and out countless times over the years!

  2. >I get the feeling of being overcrowded and it does just take three little words to make me melt, too.

    I'm glad you found your parachute in this simple, bigger WONDERFUL picture.


  3. >I know that feeling, too — of just feeling so overwhelmed, even by the blessings. He gives us what we need at exactly the right time. Sometimes from the mouths of our babies. Such a sweet picture.

  4. >Oh that's so rough, and you describe it so acutely, that fall down the rabbit hole. I'm so glad you caught that parachute – and it is a lovely one too! I hope it, and others, will keep you safely floating.

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