It started because we turned off a movie.
We gave E a warning, we told him it would happen, but once the TV shut off he flipped out.
The temper tantrum was one for the books, it started at home and perpetuated itself at the restaurant into full screaming, crying and threats of drink throwing.
With Mimi and Papa staring at us mouths agape because they have never witnessed such insanity before.
Well…maybe not for almost 40 years.
See, while E and I share the same nose, and we both love to talk and make up stories we also share something else…
ANXIETY / WORRY / AGGRESSION / DEPRESSION
Whatever title you want to give it. We just don’t think like other people, and certainly don’t act like other people.
As a child, I acted out just like E. I remember spending my entire Kindergarten year freaking out, throwing things, crying and having to see every school shrink in a 30 mile radius.
“They” blamed it on the divorce.
However, looking back and looking at E, I unfortunately think it’s in our genes.
We come from a LONG line of anxiety-ridden family members. My grandmother and mom both worry and have anxiety. Every member of Bill’s family has had a panic attack at some point, and my side of the family…well…we are the ones that suffer from anxiety, depression, manic depression and in my case I have an unofficial diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.
What does that mean. Well, basically have you seen the movie “Girl Interrupted” with Angelina Jolie? That’s me. I didn’t see the movie, perhaps because I live it every day.
The definition of BPD is this…
Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
Fear of being abandoned
Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
Intolerance of being alone
Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Yep that’s me. Through a specialized BPD class at the University of Iowa Hospital, I received counseling. I’m not “cured” as one NEVER is with mental illness, but I can cope. I don’t take meds, because in reality it doesn’t help, and with my past history of suicide attempts the doctor won’t allow it.
So, each day I work through it. I use tools I learned to help me through stressful situations. It’s kind of like in the Hunger Games when Peeta asks over and over “Real or Not Real.”
Yes, I’m comparing my life to the Hunger Games again.
While I have conquered my “situation”, I now worry about E.
I see the same reactions to peer disagreements.
I hear the same phrases “No one loves me.” , “Everyone is leaving me.” or the most common “what if…”
I witness him hurting himself, and suffering from stomach aches.
It’s painful and heart – wrenching.
I hug him tight, tell him it will be alright and that he’s safe and loved.
But I know he needs more, because I want him to enjoy his childhood. To experience pure joy and laughter. I don’t want him to live in fear and anxiety.
It’s time for him to heal, so he doesn’t have to follow in his mama’s footsteps.