TORN: BPM

I grab the compact black suitcase from the back of the closet, while a small redheaded human tugs on my leg yelling “Cracker, cracker!”

“You have crackers,” I reply rolling my eyes and wrangling the illusive bag. Once it’s free I haul it to our room, where I diligently go through each day, planning what I’m going to wear, and anticipating unpredictable Midwest weather.

“I need a vacation,” I lament in my head and a heavy sigh escapes my soul.

“You’re going to Chicago, AGAIN,” my Facebook friends declare when I announce my departure to last weekend’s CREATIVE SOUL retreat.

I know.

I get it.

Since I’ve met the girls, I’ve been to Chicago practically every other month for a conference, meet up or just some fun girl time. I know it’s a lot, but the hubs gives me the green light, says it’s fine “he’s got this” and I’m free to fly.

So I fly.

Soaring toward my second home, my heart skipping beats in anticipation. Her home is like my home, comfortable and full boys and Star Wars figures. The only difference is, here I’m not a mom, I’m the cool friend that comes to visit, and plays light sabers, and rescues friends from carnivorous dresses.

I like that feeling. The freedom to be someone different, even if only for a while. It’s nice to let my guard down and not worry about time, and running out of it.

But…

After a couple of days, and hearing the voices from home. I long to return to them. Not because my current locale is lacking. In fact it’s brimming full of life, love and acceptance. However, the heart remembers home, its REAL home. And no matter how many miles you travel the heart longs for the familiar.

Then the internal struggle begins, and every child’s laugh sounds like theirs, and every Star Wars reference reminds me of him. And it’s official …

I’m torn

Torn between two worlds, my real home and my home away from home.

My heart feels like it’s ripped to shreds with each departure and arrival, no matter which destination. I can’t bring myself to say goodbye and long to say hello, a crazy dichotomy that my heart can barely withstand.

And yet still I keep on driving the long highways and byways traveling back and forth, between my Ying and Yang, each one needing the other, but totally separate.

Oh, how I wish I could take the two and meld them into one happy little neighborhood no further than mere footsteps apart.

One day, with any luck, they will meet, and on that day my world will become one.

Until then I will cherish each one in my heart, the Ying and Yang healing the torn holes created by the goodbyes, and hellos.

_____________________________

Each Thursday, we come together to celebrate living life with intention by capturing a glimmer of the bigger picture through a simple moment. Have you found yourself in such a moment lately? Share it with us!

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8 thoughts on “TORN: BPM

  1. I’m so blessed to have little distance separating everyone I love. My second home (the place where I grew up) is just 2 hours north, but in a small way I do understand that feeling because sometimes I feel like I would give anything to be closer to my mom and my friends. But life has called me here and I love this house, this setting, this community. And so I remain torn, possibly forever, but the existence of each makes me that much more grateful for the other.
    Lisa recently posted..Through a Toddler’s Eyes: WorkMy Profile

  2. I can definitely relate with the torn feeling. I think I have a talent for splitting myself apart. Part of me in the U.S., part in Thailand. Part with my work with SOLD, part with being a writer. Partly in Chiang Mai, partly in Chiang Rai. I thought for a long time there must be a way to reconcile my different parts. Instead, I find myself splitting in ever more ways. Sometimes I just feel like pieces. Each piece gratified…but I’m not sure I’ll ever get to feel totally reconciled. Most days I’m okay with that. But at least we have our yins and our yangs, right? I imagine there are a lot of people out there who don’t.
    Jade @ Tasting Grace recently posted..GlimmerMy Profile

    1. Oh, yes, I’m sure you especially can share my pain in being torn between two places we love. At least like you it’s places we love, not places that make us miserable. 🙂

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